DARVO: When Accountability Gets Turned Around on You
If you’ve ever tried to express hurt or set a boundary—only to walk away feeling confused, blamed, or doubting yourself—you may have encountered a pattern called DARVO.
DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It’s a common response used (often unconsciously, sometimes intentionally) when someone feels threatened by accountability.
Understanding DARVO can be a powerful step in rebuilding clarity, trust in yourself, and emotional safety.
What Is DARVO?
DARVO is a communication pattern that shifts responsibility away from the person who caused harm and places it onto the person who spoke up.
It typically unfolds in three steps:
1. Deny
The person denies the behavior or minimizes its impact.
“That never happened.”
“You’re exaggerating.”
“I didn’t mean it like that.”
2. Attack
They criticize or discredit you instead of addressing the concern.
“You’re too sensitive.”
“You’re always causing drama.”
“This is why people struggle with you.”
3. Reverse Victim and Offender
They position themselves as the harmed party.
“I can’t believe you’d accuse me.”
“You’re hurting me by bringing this up.”
“I’m the one who feels attacked here.”
By the end of this cycle, the original issue disappears—and you’re left defending yourself.
How DARVO Affects the Nervous System
DARVO isn’t just confusing—it’s destabilizing.
Many people report:
Self-doubt or questioning their memory
Emotional shutdown or panic responses
Shame for speaking up
Feeling responsible for others’ emotions
A strong urge to “fix it” or apologize—even when they were hurt
Over time, repeated exposure to DARVO can train the nervous system to associate honesty and boundary-setting with danger.
DARVO Is Not the Same as Healthy Conflict
Healthy conflict includes:
Curiosity
Accountability
Repair attempts
Shared responsibility
DARVO shuts those things down.
It replaces dialogue with defense and shifts the focus from what happened to what’s wrong with you.
Why People Use DARVO
DARVO often comes from:
Fear of shame
Inability to tolerate accountability
Learned relational patterns
Power or control dynamics
Emotional immaturity
Understanding this doesn’t excuse harm—but it can help explain why reasoning, explaining, or “finding the right words” often doesn’t change the outcome.
Signs You Might Be Experiencing DARVO
You may be encountering DARVO if:
Conversations end with you apologizing for bringing things up
Your feelings are consistently reframed as the problem
You feel guilty for having needs
You leave interactions more confused than before
Your reality is repeatedly questioned or minimized
What Helps When DARVO Is Present
Name the pattern internally (even if you don’t say it out loud)
Ground in facts, not reactions
Limit over-explaining
Set boundaries around engagement
Seek external validation from safe people or a therapist
Most importantly: trust that confusion itself can be a signal—not a flaw.
Healing After DARVO
Recovery often involves:
Relearning how to trust your perceptions
Strengthening self-compassion
Understanding trauma responses (freeze, fawn, shutdown)
Practicing boundaries without self-abandonment
Building relationships where accountability is safe
Therapy can help untangle these patterns and restore a sense of clarity and internal stability.
Final Thought
DARVO thrives in silence and self-doubt. Awareness brings choice.
If you’ve been questioning yourself after difficult conversations, it may not be because you’re “too sensitive”—it may be because your boundaries were met with deflection instead of care.
You deserve relationships where your voice is heard, not turned against you.
